Happy Blogger-Versary!

Woohoo!  It has been a wonderful year since I started blogging and I really appreciate all of the people who followed me on this year's journey. 

I started with questioning myself about blossoming into a new woman in my blog titled Growing Up and it helped me realize that I am stronger and more capable than I think.  My blog called The [Love] Game was a self reflection on love and what it means.  My biggest question was, should we settle or should we try to work it out?  Everyone has their breaking point and it is up to us to follow through and hopefully you get what you want as it is explained in What Do Men and Women Want?

Just like many people out there, I deal with body image issues such as my battle facing the scale in Scales Lie, finally loving what I see in Mirror Mirror On The Wall, to finally getting back into shape with boxing in Me a Fighter? Maybe. (Speaking of I need to get back to the gym - two weeks is a long enough break).

This year I even hit a few milestones such as moving out (Leaving My Nest), buying a new car and earning my Master in Public Health (Half Empty? Half Full?).  I love my Random Thoughts Blogs where I talked about how I will be bored once school is over, what I love to do in the rain, how karma is a bi**h, and listing the favorite things I love the most. 

I had to test my faith in few blogs as well, one in particular I needed to learn how to Forgive and Forget, that is a challenge but it is possible.  There was a point where I needed someone to Answer My Questions but then again I had to learn that some surprises are good for you. 

I went on a couple adventures with my friends this year which were very exciting such as skydiving in 13,000 Feet Of Adventure to getting lost from a trip from LA in Road Trip!  I also had some great family moments expressed in Royal Flush and Crazy Family and I shouted out to the world about how important, impressive, awesome and amazing my mom is to me in Happy Mother's Day and for many people their dad is not in their life but I am glad to say mine has been there for me which is expressed here in Hero.

I had some challenges this year and I learned to make my down days from a Low To High and that I am I Work In Progress.  I cannot wait to see what next year has for me.  Who knows, you might be in for a treat because I have a few more changes I need to make and more goals to reach such as earning my Ph.D.

I hope you all follow me along for another journey in my world!

Half Empty? Half Full?

Whoa!  What an interesting two weeks.  Sometimes I would like a warning when things change but learning how to handle changes is a new skill I'm embracing.

Saturday, December 10th is when everything started to change and I wish I had a warning.  That Saturday I went to my grandpa's house because my car was acting up. Of course, I don't go to my grandpa's until it is too late but at the time I did not know that but while I was there we could not find any leaks, cracks or anything. It looked as if my water levels were low but that was about it.  Off I went.  But around 3am the next day my car was over heating and I was pulled over in a random location downtown - not happy.

I got my car home 30 minutes later, got some sleep then worried about it when I got up. Sundays are busy for me because homework is due that night but I did take time out to check my car.  Once again the water levels are low but I still see no leaks. I called my grandpa and he told me to check the oil and if looks like the oil levels are too high then water is in my engine and if that is the case it is not safe to drive.  Well, that was the case.

I decided to shop for my first car.  My last two were handed down to me so I never had to deal with car shopping anxiety.  I went home Monday night with rejection because these car salesmen thought I had an extra $1,500 to put down as if I planned to buy a car.  Tuesday evening I got a call from a dealership saying they found me a deal without putting anything down. Hallelujah!

On Wednesday I was beyond excited because I just got a car and it was my last week in school.  However, my happiness bubble was popped due to unforseen financial misfortunes.  I just renewed my lease and bought a car - stressed!

Despite the stress, I needed to stay focused on school since it was the only thing I could change unless I win the lotto.  Sunday, December 18th came around and I finally achieved my goal. I earned my Master in Public Health (MPH).  How exciting!  I am still waiting for my GPA but it looks like it's around 3.3-3.6 GPA - not bad!

Now I am thinking about getting a Ph.D in Public Health due to a conversation I had with someone who put obtaining a Ph.D in perspective - it's so close why stop here.

Dealing with financial issues and when your car breaks down is tough to deal with but I saw some light with reaching my goal and possibly earning something else.

I have a few more things to figure out but "life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on optimists as it does on pessimists.  The difference is that optimists weather them better" - Prof. Seligman.

I hope I am more of an optimist to weather this.

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Plan B Anyone?

There has been recent media coverage over the Plan B pill which can be taken 72 hours after unprotected sex.  The debate is whether or not those under the age of 17 should take it or even if they understand how to take it. 

I find it interesting that this is even up for debate.  I find insulting that there are people out there who do not believe girls under 17 are not smart enough to read the directions and I also think it is annoying that some people feel they have control over a person’s body.  I think many people forgot they were in high school and even forgot the number of teenagers UNDER 17 who were pregnant.  Or they forgot that they had a child in high school.  It is amazing how things change.

I really wanted to write about this because I think it is important to have and since science shows that the Plan B is safe to use then why couldn’t it be available to more people since it was introduced?  To me it is not a matter of teenagers having sex; it is a matter of protecting these girls and boys from raising a child as a child.  Now there are plenty of people who had a baby in high school and are living well but there are plenty more people who are still fighting to be stable. 

It is only for emergencies and it covers unprotected sex to rape and sometimes things happen.  I just don’t like that there are people who are trying to control a person’s right to access this.  And let’s get real, there are close families out there but for the most part your daughter will not tell you she just had unprotected sex or even disclosed that she was molested or raped right away so why not have something for their immediate needs?

Sometimes we all need a Plan B.

Just Sit Down

School ends in two weeks for me and I am beyond excited to have earned my Master's in Public Health by the age of 23!  However, like always, I am thinking about what the future will hold for me.  I'm not talking about a career, I'm talking about having something to do.  What am I going to do?!

I suppose I have more time to workout.  The boxing classes are going great and with school out the way I can dedicate more time to it.  There is a 330 mile, 4-day bike challenge called the NorCal AIDS Cycle that I'm interested in doing too. Being bored might have some perks since I might be buff due to boredom.

There are a few books I want to finish reading or should I write a book?  I think I could write a really good fairytale about some oppressed princess who finds a prince. 

I want to take up photography.  I think I have a creative eye and it would be nice to try something new. Who knows, I might be good at it!

What am I going to do with myself? Maybe I should just take a very long nap everyday to make up for all the sleep I have missed.  Knowing me, it's  impossible for me to sit and do nothing.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!

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Crazy Family

When something crazy happens many people say "well you haven't met my family" meaning that whatever that was crazy is nothing compared to what their family does everyday.

You have the loud families, those that are too competitive and the awkward corky families.  We all have the one person who thinks they are funny, another with long ridiculous stories and there is always one person that wants to start some drama.

Everyone's family is different whether they have secrets they will take to the grave or they could be boring families but what is best about these holidays is that everyone can bring their secrets and craziness together.

My family is a bit different, just like everyone else's, and we may not get along with everyone all at once but at least we all know where to go - grandma's house.

Everyone's situation is different but hopefully we are all thankful for having family near by or at least a phone call away, I know I am.

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Ugh!

I am crawling my way to the top and all I see are the possibilities and the opportunities that are coming my way.  I think that once a person realizes that you can achieve endless goals you can either get support from them or the complete opposite from them.  The praises feel good but when you feel someone is trying to keep you down that pressure starts to weigh you down.

I see it like this, whatever I am doing whether it fits a person's approval or not, why should anyone try to step in and change that person's path?  Some people have good intentions and want nothing but success and learning from their mistakes is important but constructive criticism is different from belittling someone.

I am just so tired of negativity and I am also glad that I have managed my stress in a healthy way by working out.  I recently decided to stop drinking for various reason for awhile  but my one of my reasons is that I do not want to use my frustrations as an excuse to drink.  I do not want to develop bad habits when problems happen in my life.  Learning how to cope, deal and face my frustrations is better for me than to run away from them.

All I can do is keep looking up and hope that there is better for me.  Sometimes, when in a slump, you feel as though no one is listening or that no one cares.  In my situation, I have had friends show up unexpectedly and tell me that everything will be alright.  I needed that.

Life is a bumpy road and I feel like I am driving with a blindfold on but taking a break to realize that there is nothing but happiness ahead of me is my motivation to keep going.

Just Dance

The other day I was at a dance recital and it made me wish that I could have learned how to tap dance or try ballet.

Dancing has a way of telling a story about love, friends, hurt and give you a chance to look at various cultures all at once!  Can you imagine telling a story without saying a word?  The ideas that choreographers come up with are so creative and beautiful that it gives you an emotional and physical reaction.

I would love the chance to get on stage and have people learn something about me, find me vulnerable or even have some laughs without me talking or messing up a story. 

I have seen dancers close their eyes and just feel the music and it looks so effortless.  Since I won't get that chance to be like them, I will settle with watching and learning new beautiful and moving stories.

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Afraid

Lately I have been afraid. 

I have been afraid to seek out what makes me happy because I am not sure what will at this point. 

How can you know that your decisions are the right one? 

I am so focused on my goals that sometimes I stay in tunnel vision and do not see other options, just the one I have my eyes on. 

What if I have passed up an opportunity or seeking something that is not right for me? 

I think having so many options is overwhelming because I want to do it all!

I just want to do every job possible while being able to travel and find new hobbies every week - too much?

It might be, I just need to figure it all out. 

Rain

The rain is here.  I am not very excited about it but I am not the one in charge of course.  I think I am the only person who would prefer the heat over cold weather.  But since there is nothing I can do about it there are still plenty of things that I love to do when it does start to rain. 

When it rains, I love to drive my car in the biggest puddles, yes it could mess up my car but sometimes we need to live a little.

When it rains, I crave ice cream for some reason.  It just taste better!

When it rains, watching movies all day is a must.

When it rains, I love to see my car semi-clean due to the elements!

When it rains, many people are are gloomy but just like every storm there is a rainbow right after and the sun is shining brighter than ever and what you may be going through will past like the storm.

Low to High

I was at my lowest. I tried to smile over it and make a few jokes but there were some people I let get under my skin. They haunted my thoughts and wasted my time and energy. Right when I felt unappreciated I didn't realize that there are always people watching and they not only appreciate me but willing to help me excel.

I put my all in everything that I do and I never thought a person would put me down for being an overachiever. Some people don't realize they are patronizing and some people do not realize that the little things mean so much to me.

To the person who I nearly let steal my passion away from me, thank you. You made me realize that not everyone will be on my side and I will continue to work hard no matter what.

To the person who watched from the shadows, thank you. You have given me hope that I am capable and can do what I thought was impossible.

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My Demands

Hello future hubby!

Before you dare to bend on one knee for me there are a few things you need to know first. I want to be treated like a queen. I know every girl says that but my demands are very specific. I need foot rubs, my space when I'm sad, carrot cake for every birthday and endless love. I have many mood swings so get over it. Encourage every idea I have and laugh at all my stupid jokes. I expect nothing less.

While my demands may seem small but they are important to me. For all women out there, make your demands clear and find that one that can fulfill your needs. If you want someone to cook for you then let them know.

To add to my demands, I would also love to be taken to the movies every week and have homemade breakfast on Saturdays but I also need trust, honesty and commitment.

Can you do these things for me?

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Karma

Sometimes no matter how hard I try to run away from a situation or sweep it under the rug, it seems to always follow me whenever I look back.  I cannot say that I am perfect and I know that I may not be the nicest person all the time but do I or anyone deserve to be treated like dirt?

Sometimes I look back at the things that have happened to me and think - did I deserve that?  Whether it was good or bad, did I deserve what was being given to me?  Looking back I am wondering if I hurt anyone along the way.  Is karma trying to teach me a lesson or is it the same lesson and I refuse to listen?

So far this year has been about reflection and trying to figure out what I need and what my purpose is and I concluded that karma isn’t knocking on my door this time; I have just been faced with a decision to either voice what I want or continue to be stepped on and be used by others.  Everyone at some point gets used, stepped on, lied to, cheated on, hurt, and betrayed by someone in their life but do these things happen because we are doing something wrong or have we done wrong to others?  

At this point, whatever I did or whatever you did I could care less about.  All I want to do is be happy and if there are consequences along my path to happiness then so be it, it won’t be the first or the last time that I have been thrown to the wolves, stepped on, or hurt by another person.  I do believe in karma but this time it is not for me so expect someone at your door not mine.

Voice

  
Everyone has a voice but many of us do not know how to express ourselves or there are some people that use their voice a little too much.  Well, what is too much? 

We have to take a stand against all the naysayers and the people who always tell us what to do or even worse, they always tell us “No”.  You may have one friend or dozens, either way they cannot be there for you all the time and at some point you need to stand on your own and speak up.  What do you want?  What do you need?  It is your life and it cannot be directed by others and at some point you need to be the one to tell them “No”.

Some people sound like they are professionals in your situation but how can they be?  Every situation and every person involved is a bit different and you have to go on your instincts.  You are the one who is the professional of your own life but no one will believe you if you cannot speak up.

Sometimes I have a problem with expressing myself and making my wants and needs clear to others.  It is time for that to cease and I need to take my own advice and speak up and take control of my path.  So far this year I have been able to make un-regrettable decisions and I want to keep that up.  Everyday my path gets clearer just as long as I stay focused and try my best to express myself.

Finding your voice can be hard but I just cannot let others decide for me.


“…I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” - Excerpt from Invictus by William Ernest Henley  

13,000 Feet of Adventure

On July 20th I posted a blog called I Need a REAL Vacation and I talked about how I was in Vegas doing homework and one day I will get the chance to do nothing on a beach or try something new like jump out a plane.  Well I did not think anything of that post would come true any time soon but on Sunday, August 14th I decided to jump out a plane and I survived!

I am terrified of heights and I hate that feeling of dropping, much like the feeling of that first drop from a roller coaster - hate it!  I have no idea why I agreed to do something like this but I am glad I did.  The purpose of going was for a friend's birthday but my personal purpose was to just live a little.  I have always been involved in many things that consume my time but I am so glad I got the invite to go on this adventure because I needed to see the world at a different angle - 13,000 feet in the sky type of angle.

Dropping out the plane was no joke as you see below but it was totally worth it!

 Would I do it again?  Never.  But never say never...

iLove...

Do you know what I love?

I love the smell of the grass being fleshly cut.

I love when you can’t sleep all night and the birds start to chirp while the sun is rising.

I love leftover pizza.

I love movie theater popcorn.

I love the color purple but I only own two things that are purple.

I love my Lord and Savior, I am grateful every day.

I love when it is 80 degrees at night.

I love falling asleep to the TV or music but a timer has to be on because my sleep cannot be interrupted.

I love challenges.

I love learning new things.

I love writing.

I love reading even though I haven’t finished my last book.

I love cartoons.

I love being a hopeless romantic.

I love to have bacon, eggs and pancakes on the weekends.

I love romantic comedies and action movies.

I love cooking even though I rarely do it.

I love my family.

I love having endless possibilities.

My Pumps

Dear pumps, stilettos, wedges, heels,

You have been so good to me since I transitioned from tennis shoes and flats to something that better suits my outfits. Don't get me wrong, some flats can add some flare but there is nothing like a nice pair of heels. I don't have too many but I have enough to realize that they are the only thing that can make you go from frumpy to fabulous.

When I started to wear them nearly everyday I didn't realize that they are better than any shape-ups out there and taking the stairs adds a little more to the unexpected workout.

Where have you been all my life? I suppose right in front of me but I apologize for neglecting you for so long.

Sincerely,
Ericka

posted from Bloggeroid

Bad Friend

Sometimes I do not feel I am the best of friend to my friends.  I sometimes forget about plans or I fail to make plans with my friends just to catch up.  It is important for people to reach out not only to keep your friends but to let them know that you really do care about what they are going through.  I think it is important to remember all birthdays but there are times where I forget and I feel really bad for doing so. 

Have you ever been running around town and you see that your friend just texted you or called you but there was no way they would have your full attention so you think to yourself that you will call them back but that never happens?  I do that from time to time and I feel horrible when I don't call them back.  I tend to be very busy but taking the time to at least say hi is important but I am guilty of not doing that. 

Do not get me wrong, I do not expect my friends to call me all the time because all relationships are about giving and taking.  I feel as though I need to give a little bit more to the people who really care about me.  Why burn bridges when you do not have to? 

So to all my friends that I have forgotten to call or text back, I am sorry.  Being busy is my excuse but I do need to slow down and show my gratitude to those who have had by back since day one.

I Need a REAL Vacation

Boy oh boy have I been busy! I have managed to stay somewhat sane in the last few weeks but I may be at the tip of insanity soon. I did take a nice "vacation" to vegas and that was a nice getaway but it was still business related. I did have a good time but the vegas trip was for a conference so there was not much time to explore and while I was there I was doing homework. Yes, homework in vegas is not cool unless you attend UNLV.

Decemeber is when I expect to finish my MPH so my Christmas gift will be to relax and enjoy myself...well, maybe. Of course I have other adventures up my sleeve because I just don't know how to sit still. Someone asked me if I ever went on a Spring Break vacation and I said no because that is the time you work full time and make money while everyone else is spending...duh! But maybe taking a break is what I need.

So one of these weekends I will do absolutely nothing, let's see how that works out. One day I will take a real vacation and do nothing on a boat or beach, eat weird food, and maybe try something new like jump out of a plane. That may not happen any time soon but you never know.

posted from Bloggeroid

Me, a Fighter? Maybe.

I am faced with a new challenge...boxing! So in the last few weeks I have been stressing out and worrying over issues I can't control which means I can't control my feelings. I may explode on people and that is something I am trying to avoid.

I have a friend who goes boxing and wanted me to try it awhile ago but I declined the offer because I refuse to get hit just for a workout. However, due to recent frustrations I needed something to do besides eating my sorrows. For some reason boxing came to my mind and she was the first person to call on.

My first day was brutal! I thought I was going to die. I haven't worked this hard since high school when I was running cross country then straight into basketball then track then summer basketball and I repeated that for four years. My second day wasn't any better but something about it made me semi-hooked at this point. As I am starting to learn and understand what I am doing and trying to fight through my soreness, by day three I was hooked.

It is tough but I like it. This is something I want to stick to and I haven't been happy about working out in a long time so we will see where this takes me. I might be the number one fighter in America...who knows.

posted from Bloggeroid

Happy Father's Day

So what's a dad's role? Does he really have it easy? Well to some his role is to punish, work and fix things around the house. I guess that is true for some people but for me, my dad is more active than that.

I know some people do not have their dad around but I am glad that he has been there for me and never left my side. I do not understand why so many men leave their families. Whatever the excuse is, I do feel bad for those who are missing that extra person in their life.

I do think a real man will be there for their family and I hope all four of my brothers will take his lead.

I love you dad!

posted from Bloggeroid

Love is Pain...Why?

I was watching the movie "he's just not that in to you" the other day and in the beginning it talked about how confusing it is to fall in love. A boy hits you and those are "love taps", yea that's totally confusing. If a person lies it means they care about your feelings. This is insane!

Why can't a person be honest to show they care? I heard somewhere that love is pain and why does it have to be painful? Why can't love be this magical experience where both people are happy at all times? I guess it takes a lot of work to please someone while maintaining your own sanity.

People work hard to keep their relationships and sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail. Love can hurt because no one wants to fail so we push ourselves to our limits and no one wants to be disappointed if their hard work doesn't pay off.

Can it be simple, easy, and painless? Maybe. While you may have given up on love or you may be a hopeless romantic like me, either way I have learned that love is tough and confusing and I suppose we all just gotta keep working at it.

I wish it was easier but if its worth it then work for it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Work In Progress

I always told myself that I will not make promises that I cannot keep.  I think the bigger promises are the ones to God and if I say "I will never do XYZ again if I get this" and I know that I will never change then to me it is wrong for me to make those types of promises.

Sometimes I feel as though I am not living up to my religious expectations so should start to make my improvements?  But what if I am not ready to make that promise, am I wrong for that?

Being human almost makes us hypocrites because we say a lot of things but sometimes do the opposite.  I tell my brothers to go to church but there are times where I do not go for awhile and I do not honor the sabbath day like I should.  I get lazy, there are times where I over-eat, sometimes I do not listen to my parents, my pride might get in the way, I drink alcohol and the list goes on and on...

I know I have plenty to work on but it is for me to work on.  I am not saying I am being pressured by people but if you are ever around me or any other person just accept them and understand that we all need some work done and to sum it all up, a great man known as Dr. Seuss said it best,  "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

So hopefully you all can excuse my mistakes or hypocrisies or you can judge me, which ever you want to do I do not mind. 

Missed The Rapture Train?

Sooo....The world did not end or at least I wasn't called on.

What did you do to "prepare" for the world ending?  I am honestly interested in seeing if people's behaviors changed. 

I am also interested in knowing would it be better to know the exact date and the exact time of the rapture or is it better to not know.  For me, I would rather not know.  I know that there will be a time that I will be judged and hopefully I did what I needed to do in order to be called on.  Even if I wasn't called on I would not have a problem fighting for Him.

I heard about a few people selling all their belongings but for what?  Even if you buy that person's belongings what could you do with it if you leave the Earth? 

I hope this brought people closer to Christ and understand that there will be a time and to always be ready. 

"The one who rejects me and does not receive my words has a judge; the word that I have spoken will judge him on the last day." - John 12:48 ESV

Related Post: Who Knows...but Stay Ready Anyway

Oh No...Breast Cancer?

About a month ago I felt a lump.

To be perfectly honest I found it years ago but barely said anything until recently. Being scared to death is an understatement. I always wondered what I would if faced with something like this. Should I get rid of them and get implants or go through the crazy treatments? Once I told my parents and brothers about it they immediately gave me the support I needed and the courage to go see the doctor. The day before the appointment it finally hit me, I could have cancer. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want anyone to feel sad or worried about me.

Going to the doctor never felt so weird. I haven't had my mom with me for a doctors appointment in years but it was nice to have that support. The doctor said he wasn't sure so off to a specialist I go.

I was hoping for the best and it felt like forever waiting for the specialist. She was the nicest, thorough and most energized doctor I have ever met. It took me years to get to this point and all I could think about was that I should have came at the first signs so it can be treated easier if I had cancer.

Thank God she didn't feel anything, only fatty tissue. I've been worried for so long and I finally get to relax. I should have came in earlier but now I'm educated on what to look for. My message to you all is that whatever doesn't feel right get it all checked out. Fear doesn't make it go away.

 

Happy Mother's Day

Mothers are a special breed.  They have to have patience, time, energy, willingness to sacrifice, and super strength to push us out when we are born. 

How can a person love another person without knowing them, understanding them, talking to them, seeing them for so long but then when we are born there is instant love?  Can you honestly love another human being without knowing their name first?  Could that child really be your pride and joy?  Would you be afraid to make mistakes?  Would the future decisions your children make be your fault if they are bad and your praises if they are good?  How can you determine success in motherhood?  If you have a little girl, will she look up to you and be your best friend?  If you have a boy will you force him to participate in hobbies you could not do since you are not a boy?  

Are these the questions mothers ask or have asked?  Could I be underestimating the power of love that a mother has? 

I do not think I can understand motherhood until I have a child but the power that my mom has is amazing.  I cannot understand how she loves me and my brothers from the first time she saw us until now.  What I do know is that whatever mistakes she believes she had made and whether or not her plan with us went accordingly, I know she did everything right.  I also know that I love her and she loves the hell out of her kids!  I cannot say me and my brothers made it easy for her but I do not believe she would take back any moment.  

I love you mom!

Leaving My Nest

Once you get to that point where you decide to move out, shoudln't it feel good?  Well, I have one foot in and one foot out my nest and it is a bit scary.  Depending on your personal situation it may be best or it may not be best to move out on your own.  For me I just felt that I was too old and my time has expired.

My personal situation is interesting. I always wanted to move - just because.  I am not being abused or anything extreme like that I just wanted to "grow up".  Me and my mom have an interesting relationship, we have always been close and leaving is really hard to do.  We talk about everything and do a lot of things together which makes it even harder to leave.  She is my voice of reason and it just helps to have her there at any time.

This will be a learning experience and I suppose she is only one call away so knowing that puts me at ease.  Family means everything to me but hopefully my relationship with her grows - and it will!!

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Happy Pill

So I saw the movie "Limitless" and I will try not to mess it up for you but I will say it is a must see!  Anywho, I really wish it was possible to have all the answers to success in pill form.

Can you imagine?  Knowing which steps to take in life.  Becoming successful quicker than expected.  It must be nice to be able to change your life from boring to exciting.  Having the solutions in a size of a pill would be the best ever! 

But of course there are some consequences.  Being addicted to short cuts and instant solutions may not encourage people to retain what new information they learned.

Having no limits seems pretty promising.  Finding ways that promote motivation over laziness is a route I would like to take.

While that idea is still fictional, I will continue struggle to the to top trying to make my life's journey as exciting as I possibly can.

What's Next?

I feel lost.  What do I do next?  For some reason I am feeling confused about my future.  I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I get my masters.  This program is going fast so should I have everything figured out by the time I am done? 

I want to move but I am scared about being on my own.  It would be an adventure for me but the unknown worries me yet it is excites me.  I really want to take time to travel and see the world but I also need to establish myself.

I am just so lost and confused.

Unicorn

The other day I was told that I was a unicorn. Yep, unicorn is what I said.

The reason for this is because I'm unique, I guess. I went to a conference with my boss and co-worker and spending a few days together outside of work, you get a chance to really get to know eachother. During this trip I think they got to take a peek at the real me. While I'm at work, I'm so focused and goal oriented that I rarely get to show how corky I really am.

I would never say that I was normal or even close. I am goofy, spontaneous, hard working, and an extremely focused person. I hate sleeping on pillows unless they are flat because I get neck cramps. I think all railroad tracks you touch could electrocuted you. Someone told me that and why investigate something that could hurt you? I'm superstitious yet religious. If you split a pole I will whisper "bread and butter" every time.

I love disrespectful rap songs yet I can appreciate other arts such as the theater, sculptures and paintings. I can watch cartoons all day then later discuss ethical theories and formulate calculations for biostatistics and epidemiology.

Calling me unique or different is an honor. I embrace it completely! Unicorns are supposed to be beautiful and majestic and hopefully I live up to that. Being a legendary and mysterious creature seems pretty cool to me.

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Forgive and Forget

Telling a person that you are sorry is a brave step to take. You have to put your pride to the side and say the three words which prove that you made a huge mistake.

What about the person who was hurt by another's actions? Should they forgive right away, later on or never? Forgiveness does not mean you can forget what has been done either. So deep down inside there may be some trust issues that can change how you view that person.

So how does a person prove they are sorry and how does the other person prove that they forgive any wrong doings? First you have to decide where you want that person in your life. Do you want them at a distance or try to become closer than you once were? Wanting them at a distance is fine just make sure you are honest with them so there aren't any misunderstandings.

Now if you want to maintain or strengthen that relationship, you have to trust that your relationship is strong enough to get past the issue. Trust is important with forgiveness. We are hoping that the mistakes won't happen again and that our mistakes won't be brought up all the time by the person who claimed to forgive.

To say you are sorry and to forgive is a difficult task but it can be done. Do not let your pride get in your way. Say you are sorry before it is too late. Forgive as God will forgive you and leave the past behind you so that you can move forward with a clear vision.

"But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." - Mark 11:26 KJV

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Mirror Mirror On The Wall

I looked in the mirror and decided to dissect what I saw.

My hair is frizzy and wild on its bad days. It comes to my shoulders when its curly and to the middle of my back when it's straight.

My eyes are slanted and I have big lips that make a big smile. I was told dimples are birth defects but I think they add something special to my look.

My tummy isn't flabby but I would love a little more definition. I have to admit that my stomach is where I'm most insecure about. I don't think I will ever be satisfied.

My legs aren't too bad and they are attached to the cutest feet of all time! Once I get a hang of this marathon training, my legs would be flawless. My hips are wider and I think I see a bigger butt - no complaints here!

As I look at myself I am coming to one conclusion. Whether I have birth defects on my face or cute little toes, I love every part of me. There is always room for improvement but for now I'm satisfied.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Today is a special day! Today is an awesome day! Today is MY BIRHTDAY!!

Another year older does not scare me. Everyday is a blessing and I thank God I get to celebrate another birthday. Today is the day to be selfish and self-centered and be completely unapologetic about it.

If I am partyin' hard or just hangin' out for my birthday, I know I will get my carrot cake. Carrot cake is the best cake of all time and I rarely eat it during the year so waiting for my birthday makes it so much better AND some people don't like it so...MORE FOR ME! After I close my eyes to blow out my 23 candles and make my wish, I get to open my eyes to see all the people who care about me and love me - what more could you ask for?

IT'S A CELEBRATION!!

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A+ Please

I'm having issues accepting anything but an 'A' in this graduate program. I feel I really try hard to elaborate and fulfill all the retirements.

In the beginning my goal was to graduate with a 4.0 GPA or at least with a 3.5 and its been tough this term to maintain. It's really hard to raise your GPA after it goes down, even by .01. Currently I have a 3.5 but I'm not satisfied. To some its an achievement but to me perfection is everything.

I wouldn't say I'm an obsessive overachiever but I do aim high. I don't think it can affect my career but if I'm seeking higher education then why not have extremely high expectations? This has been tougher than I thought it would be.

I don't have outside pressures nor am I competing with anyone. Most of my academic stresses come from myself. I'm not a professional athlete and I don't own a business so school is all I have...for now.

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Tired

I am beyond exhausted!

This quarter in my masters program is going to push me to my limit and its only day FOUR! A nice push in the right direction is fine but I still need elbow room.

I am pretty good at managing all that I juggle but recovering from being sick for over a week really slowed me down. I think I am getting sick again which does not help either. I am worried that if I keep pushing myself, I may not be able to be healthy again. There are a few fun runs I want to do but I could barely breathe from all the congestion.

Being tired all the time is not the best feeling. I hope I can get enough rest tonight. I need to rejuvenate my brain, body and spirit.

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Am I There Yet?

How long does it take to get where I need to go? How bad do I need to want it in order to get what I want?

Haven't I worked hard enough? I thought I tried, I thought I did what I needed to do. What more could there be?

I want to know what will happen, right now!

Time and patience are not my best friends. They are not even my associates. They are my enemies that keep me from knowing. They keep me on edge. They push me to work harder. They motivate me to get what I need and go where I want to go.

Time takes too long. Patience gets me nowhere. But I have to admit that they both make what I want worth it. Maybe rushing will ruin my surprise.

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Marriage=Boring? I Hope Not

I just don't get it...

So this movie Hall Pass looks hilarious and I can't wait to see it; however, I just don't get the concept. So basically these wives are giving their husbands a pass to cheat and do whatever they want, no questions asked, and the husbands are really trying to do it.

Does marriage really get that dull that these options really happen? I want to see this movie and hope that these men realize what they have at home is more important than a random fling. Over time do people stop having fun with eachother and have to seek "fun" elsewhere? I hope this isn't my future, I hope that my fun with the person I love lasts or at least does not get to the point of a "hall pass".

Try new things, spice it up, explore with eachother but giving a hall pass is a big risk, I think, and may have some consequences. I suppose if you are not the jealous and insecure type, then this may be for you. I say cherish each other and make time for each other to avoid a dull relationship.

Nonetheless, I can't wait to see the outcome off this movie and I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Whether they cheat or not, if you ask me if I would offer this, the answer is no!

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Hero

So this is long over due but I needed time to figure out how I want to say the following.

****

There is a man in my life who has invested his time and energy into making his family and himself better people. He is a hero in my eyes. According to the dictionary, a hero is a man of distinguished courage and abilities, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities. I believe from the work that he has done he satisfies the definition. From 1987 to 2011, he has worked with the United States Air Force and served this country proudly. I am proud to say that this man who has served 1,193 days in various places around the world with numerous decorations and awards is my dad.

There have been birthdays, holidays, graduations and more special events that have been missed and understand that over time it gets hard to deal with for the family; however, I can say his work makes it worth a few sacrifices. I can also say that my brothers and I are more than proud of him and cherish the times we have. Now that he has retired there is more time with him and no more worries if he has to leave soon or not.

When 9-11 happened, I already knew what his responsibility were - his family. He had to put on his cape and leave to go save the world and his family from the bad guys. That was the hardest time for me but truly appreciated. Seeing him at his retirement ceremony brought a whole new meaning to the National Anthem and understanding that we are indeed "home of the brave".

As I see him now, he grew a beard and more relaxed than I'm used to seeing him. He used to say "I'm just doing my job" but to me just doing your job may be just enough to make differences. So thank you for your service, commitment, and sacrifices dad!

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My Song

I always wanted to play an instrument. Create moods from my tempo. I want to learn how to engage people to my fears, sadness, and happiness by the press of a button or a pull from a string.

My lungs can go weak by me pushing out harmonic kisses through a brass masterpiece. Let my sounds carry you to somewhere safe or even a fantasy.

The music can be fast to keep people moving and on their toes. I want to make you snap your fingers and tap your feet. The music can be slow for you to close your eyes and remember the one you love, crack a smile or just relax.

I want to be able to escape. I want you to escape. Let the bass take over your heart, be moved and feel the movement inside of you.

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My Funny Valentine

My Funny Valentine,

You spoiled me today but only today. The teddy, chocolate, and my card shows me you love me. I have a question for you, my funny valentine, why not show this love everyday?

Shower me with flowers and love notes throughout the year. Foot rubs and a nice home-cooked meal. Breakfast in bed and random romantic get-a-ways.

I appreciate the gifts you gave me today but let's celebrate valentines day everyday. If you want to spend that much on me today then that's up to you but spread it out throughout the year to make this valentines day last a little longer.

Love,
All the women who would love valentines day to last 365 days rather than one day :)

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Useless

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Body aching, feverish, and a bad cough. I think I might get a six pack from all this coughing that I'm doing.

I can barely eat and I'm starving! I hate feeling useless. I need to be on the move. Maybe I can use this time to finally relax, maybe I'm doing too much and it is all catching up to me.

As I lay here hoping to be cured in minutes, I will just try to gather myself and enjoy my bed.

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The World Is My Playground

Palm trees, ruins, sand, landmarks.

I want to travel the world to see more than what I am used to. I want to learn how to cook with the unique flavors of the world. Learn new languages, climb the pyramids, take tons of pictures of places I could barely pronounce.

The unknown world will be my playground. People travel to foreign places for adventure, possibilities, or even opportunities! I will travel to get a better understanding of people and cultures, to learn and to teach.

One day. One day I will taste food from all the continents, swim in all the oceans and seas, and get sand in my toes from all the beaches.

I may have missed this plane, that bus and the train but I will catch the next one because it is never to late!

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I Might Fail

Weddings and children seem to be the focus as we grow up. Would I be wrong to say that I'm not sure if I would be a good mom or wife? Does this fear of marital and parental failure happen to anyone else?

No I'm not engaged to have cold feet nor am I an expecting mother, but I have been around conversations about people talking about the "right" age to do both.

These fears stem from how I interact with my younger cousins and my youngest brother. I never felt comfortable with kids and I am not sure if they like me either.

Marriage seems so hard but some people know some tricks to make it work. I rarely fail but what if I do and disappoint them?

Career, marriage, and kids seem to be my future but what if I fail?

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Is It Me o'clock Yet?

Aww...man!

Boy have I been busy. During the days you have nothing to do we complain about wanting more to do then when you get more, you have no idea where to begin.

I have been placed in a wonderful position with higher expectations and with it comes more responsibility. Juggling my job and school isn't new to me or most people. But the anticipation of what is to come is getting to me. I do not know where I would be in 10 years but I do expect success. To me the only way to achieve success, I must fully commit myself to it and doing so I have no time to breathe.

Time management is key and if I don't plan time for myself then I might go crazy. I need to relax and learn that I can't take everything so seriously. I understand the importance of school and work but sometimes I need to walk away and take care of me.

One day I will learn...

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Home Wrecker

Watching the trailers to the upcoming movie "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler got me thinking about how women are perceived and I guess what some women are willing to do.

So the plot is that this guy wears a wedding ring pretending to be going through a tough relationship with his wife in order to pick up women. Looks like an interesting comedy but do women really go "wedding ring hunting", if so then why?

We get upset when the person we are with cheats on us but I guess there are people who are willing to be the other woman. What do these women find that makes it worth being the other woman? So say that man is not married, like the character in the movie, would the woman be mad he lied? Does she have any right to be mad since she was willing to play the "home wrecker" role?

If the man was really married and she started to get serious feelings, would she except him to leave the marriage? Chances of that happening are slim yet possible...I suppose.

Why not look for someone single for you. Get all the perks of a relationship and get rid of all these secrets. Why look for something that is already taken and just get your own.

I am confused on the concept but some men and women will keep playing these games just as long as there are people who are willing to play. Personally, I am NOT willing to put more energy to be a secret than being in a relationship. I prefer a relationship built on trust and NO games. Call yourself a "playa" all you want, in all games someone has to lose and don't be surprised if it is you.

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Answer My Questions

Not every question has an answer.
Sometimes "I don't know" is all you can say.

I want to answer every "why" and "how come" question to put people at ease, but that is impossible. When people are searching for answers, we stress and come up with our own answers.

We stay up at night with these questions "Am I to blame?" "Is someone else to blame?" "Why doesn't this work?" "What could I do better?" It is hard to close our eyes and be at peace with life's outcomes.

We are not in control, we are not supposed to know every answer, if we do then there will be no more adventures, no more surprises, no more learning experiences.

I wonder why...well, I will stop wondering since it all will be revealed to me later.

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My Passion

I am going into my third week of my masters program and the more I get into it, the more I can see my goals getting closer to me.  I love what I do and some may not understand it but others embrace it.  I work at an HIV clinic and everyday I get inspired from various people.  How it began was when I was 15 years old and I thought that World AIDS Day (December 1^st of every year) would be a good cause to help.  So I decided to single-handedly plan a fun run at my high school and I did that for three years and it was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. 

I collected donations and from the lunch money of my friends, I was able to collect nearly $1,000 for those three years.  I do not think that is bad at all since I was collecting lunch money and no, I did not bully them to donate.  Some people get into causes because they have the disease or know someone close with it; but for me, it was just a calling.  I knew nothing about HIV, I did not know anyone with it, and at the time I could barely say Human Immunodeficiency Virus without stuttering over the word “Immunodeficiency”.

Today I went to do an interview with a Sacramento Kings player Darnell Jackson with a few of my colleagues and it was about the Greater Than AIDS movement that has been launched in 2009 and now partnering up with the NBA, the clinic I work for which is  CARES, and many other local and national partnerships.  There were two people who shared their story about living with HIV and every time I hear those stories, it just inspires me to fight harder so that my colleagues, who I consider as friends, can wake up one morning with a cure for them and wake up one morning knowing that their efforts erased this pandemic off the earth. 

You may not have that calling but please understand where my passion comes from.  It comes from seeing friends from the clinic disappearing, it comes from me hoping to find a cure so that we can kill this disease rather than it kill us.  Understand that this is preventable and we have the power to take the responsibly to talk to our partners about getting tested and using protection.   

Running To Death

I finally have a working out goal!

I really do not have a size in mind, I just want to tone up. So in order to stay on track an opportunity knocked and I'm welcoming it!

So my friend told me about this TEN mile run in April and I agreed to join the team. I hope she meant a 10k since that is nearly 4 miles less. Either way, I really want to try and do it. I used to run cross country (four years ago) so I just need to get back in my groove.

So I'm exited to seriously get back into running. I like working out, it is just better to have a goal. Not sure what shape I will be in by then but right now I just want finish without stopping :)

Challenge is an understatement but anything is possible...I suppose.

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I Need Rehab or Maybe Not

**
It consumes me
Day and night cannot escape
It blinds me
This mold it continues to shape
It holds me
No movement, my body stays frozen
It loves me
The feeling keeps my heart swollen
**
This feeling is what I get when I get motivated. All I see is my goal. I'm addicted to motivation. I use it like a drug and what I achieve is my high.

Get motivated to do better!

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