Distractions

I have been trying to find answers to why my plan is not working the way that I want it to and it has been driving me crazy.  When something really matters to me, it hurts to get rejected whether it is a person, job opportunity or even something I just want to do for fun - hearing "no" does not sit well with me.

Spontaneous people seem to have the most fun since they just do things on a whim.  There are times were I am spontaneous but for the most part I cannot let go of trying to control the outcome.

I am just at a point in my life where I just want to be stable, own a nice condo, have the means to travel, learn something new, excel in my career and advance my education.  Hearing "no" about an internship I really REALLY wanted hurts because I felt like it would have lead me to the things I am ready for in my life.  I tried applying for a couple PhD programs but they want 3-4 years of management experience and I am not a manager so I have to put my education on hold which also hurts.

After so much rejection for the last 6 months, it starts to weigh on you so what do I turn to?  Well lucky for me I do not have an addictive personality so a quick satisfactions works for me like getting my toes done and going to the movies.  Something that will take my mind off the negatives and at least put a smile on my face.  I would rather have temporary satisfaction in gummy bears and a margarita than mope all day.  I know what the reality is but I have been dealing with that for awhile and sometimes I just want a distraction.

It sucks to feel stuck with no options around you but at least my toes look good!

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My View

The view outside my window shows the beauty I could never make.  The buildings are designs I could never imagine to make.  The trees and flowers are always at their brightest color.

The view outside my window gives me some direction.  I hate to get lost in a place I barely know.

The view outside my window makes me calm.  Seeing the sun and clear sky makes smile and wanting to start an adventure.

The view outside my window makes me wonder where others are going.  What brings them here and are they enjoying the beauty around them too?

Open your window and enjoy your view!

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Light After The Dark

Anxiety, fear and loneliness.  How do you cope?

I cannot do anything on my own and I cannot deal with my emotions on my own.  I was told that God only gives you what you can handle.  I truly believe that is true but it is hard to believe that I have the strength to handle what I'm faced with.

So how do I cope when faced with a challenge that seems to never end?  I start to question myself, worry, doubt positive outcomes and drive myself crazy!  It is a lot of energy taken from me and even though I know everything will be ok at some point but it is hard to stay positive.

Trying to stay positive is the goal.  I don't want to lose faith because I know God will be there and get me out the dark days.

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Worth

If I have to beg for it, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to lie for it, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to cry for it, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to take what is not mine, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to degrade myself, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to cheat for it, it isn’t worth it.

If I have to love, care, be kind, be honest and cherish myself – I am worth it.

Working Out Ain't Working Out

It is really that unrealistic?  Can I even do it?  I see plenty of success stories but I never have a story to tell.  Weight loss has not been my friend.

It is not even about weight loss, I just want to tone up and gain my endurance back.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was working out pretty consistently until mid-December but for various yet legit reasons, I just can’t seem to find something that can encourage me to get active again.  I am the type of person that needs someone telling me what to do – like a coach. 

I hate the gym.  It is my natural enemy.  What am I supposed to do in the gym?  Ok, so I can run for 30 minutes, then what?  I can tell myself that I am tired or fake a cramp then leave and never really get the workout I need.  I can lift some weights, then what? Lift some more?  I feel so lost in gyms. 

I don’t mind running but where am I supposed to run?  I do not want to be interrupted by traffic, kids, stepping in dog poop or even run behind someone who knows you are coming but does not want to move out the way so you are no longer in your zone. 

I want to do something fun while someone yells in my face telling me to suck it up and do 20 more.

I think I am just making excuses again, let me just get up and go workout somewhere J

Blossom

According to the dictionary, blossoming or to blossom is a peak period or stage of development.  

Our peak period is our most beautiful moment where we can shine and show the world everything that we have to offer.  Being at your peak or your prime shows your potential to master future obstacles.  When you are at your peak you can see the world for what it is.  You can now see how high you can go and how far it took you to get there.  The peak is a resting period as well.  You can gather your energy as your body starts to prepare to go down hill.

The stage of development.  We have to come from something and change or develop into something else.  We can become more beautiful, more talented, more gifted and anything else we strive for.  We all have to develop from being a child to being an adult biologically through puberty but also through experience such as moving out and paying your own bills.  We are constantly developing.

When do we know when we are at our peak or if the stage we are in is the last stage of development?  I think we have the potential to change at any time so it is hard to say.  Some people say their 20’s was there prime but others believe their 30’s or 40’s were better than their 20’s – who really knows.  

Stare at the incoming flowers and new leaves on the trees and take in their beauty and know that when you finally blossom you too will be noticed by many.  You will be admired and when your season is over your beauty, talents and capabilities are all that we will remember.

Just Keep Walking

Someone told me that they wanted to be like me when they grow up and I am having a hard time understanding why they would want to do that.  Nothing about me is perfect and nothing about my life is perfect.  I think it is flattering that someone views me as a good role model or someone they aspire to be.  

Not everyone feels that way though.  There have been a few people who have made it clear that I am not a role model and my shoes are not worth walking in.  That is fine because I feel that we all have our own paths and for someone to copy me, it would be a bit unnatural instead of following their own dreams.  However, I feel that people can find a better way to express themselves without having to hurt someone and having literally nothing nice to say no matter how hard I try.  

I do not like the term “hater” because to me it makes me feel there is a person out there who actually hates me and would rather spend their energy bringing someone down rather than redirecting their energy to pulling themselves up.  I hope no one hates me but I am starting to feel some sort of hatred coming from someone.  

If anyone were to take a walk in my shoes, they would see a path that is not smooth and clean.  I sometimes step in mud, gum, and sand that forever stay on your shoes and make me feel gross for the remainder of my journey.  But they are just shoes.  My feet are ok, I am not damaged and I can wash everything away and forget about it.  

They are just shoes.

I am who I am no matter how much gum, mud and sand I step in.  I am not damaged despite the small pause in my path.  I just keep on going in my beautiful purple shoes.